Ever have knots in your stomach when getting ready to have company?
Today’s topic? Facing and overcoming the fear of hospitality. Our guest? My fellow Roomag.com contributor and new cyber friend, the lovely LaToya Edwards.
LaToya is a single, homeschooling mom of two and a graduate student. In her spare time {haha} she loves to read, listen to music and write.
She writes about life in all its ups and down over at Christian Momma {www.christian-momma.com}
Here she is with her thoughts on this common issue:
Growing up I believe I had a misconception about hospitality. I never really heard the word used in a way that wasn’t connected with entertaining. {Karen makes this distinction in her book} Because I thought that I needed to put on a grand affair in order to be hospitable I stayed away from it.
Really when it comes to hospitality I have three major reasons {excuses really} that keep me from opening my home to others:
~ My house is not decorated: I have never mastered the art of interior design. There was a short stint in my teen years where every inch of my wall was covered with a poster or picture of my favorite teen idols. Once that was over it’s been bare walls ever since.
To me, I have furniture because I need something other than the floor to sit on, the TV needs a place to go other than the floor, and I need something soft to land on when I crash for the night.
My home always looks like I just moved in or like we’re about to pack up and leave.
~ I’m not a fantastic cook: I didn’t spend a lot of time in the kitchen growing up. My mom didn’t really like anyone in the kitchen when she was cooking, especially around the holidays. And by the time she wanted to start teaching me, I preferred to sit in my room and read.
Cooking is an area that I have struggled and struggled with. It took my dad 10 years to teach me to fry chicken and I just in the last few months mastered the art of cooking bacon.
Most of my family is excellent cooks and I feel like I don’t measure up to that. {I usually offer to bring drinks when we get together}.
~ I’m a perfectionist: Really this is what it boils down to. If I’m going to do something then I want it to be perfect. If it’s not going to be perfect then there’s no point in trying.
I’ve been working towards overcoming this struggle and I’m proud to say that I’m making some series strides towards reality. Unfortunately this really hasn’t extended towards hospitality for me.
I’m sure that we all have some reason or excuse that keeps us from opening our homes to others. Really when I think about it, God isn’t calling me to have a house of perfection. He just wants me to love other people. And I can do that with my bare walls, cracked dishes, and crock-pot spaghetti right??
Thanks LaToya!
Since today’s topic has to do with fear, for our giveaway we have a copy of my Proverbs 31 sister Micca Campbell’s book An Untroubled Heart: Finding a Faith That is Stronger Than All My Fears
To be entered to win, leave us a comment with your fear when it comes to hospitalty. It can be a great one or a silly one too.
My fear has always been my home… not feeling is good enough. what others think of me.. After I read this book, and thru this study, I’m realizing it’s all about time spent with your guest. I’ve got to let go of the other. And enjoy them.. Your words has also encouraged me.
Michelle, thanks for reading! I think there are a lot of us that have a fear about not being good enough. Thank goodness God doesn’t expect perfection from us though!
LaToya, I had many perfectionistic ways as well that kept me from opening my home. But it is freeing to know that they came to see you and not your house!
Thanks for sharing!
Yes, that is something that I often forget!
My fear is my home. It isn’t straight out of a magazine and needs a few updates. Most people we would have over have newer houses or ones that have recently been redone. This definitely holds me back.
I think that you have hit the nail on the head. I also struggle with the need to make everything perfect. When I have guests I fret over every little thing and then I am so worn out and frazzled that I don’t want to so it again for a long time! Praying that God will release me from this attitude and allow me to find joy in hosting. I am glad to know that I’m not alone.
The plague of perfectionism is what holds me back. I know this isn’t right – but the more I clean and get ready for guests, the more imperfect things and spaces I find around our home – and the more I feel I can’t do it. This is why I’ve read this book every few months since buying it a few years back – it helps, but somehow I always fall back into this old trap!
I have a fear of entertainment. What if there is lag in the conversation or boredom? It is a silly fear, honestly because when we are together the conversation is non-stop and enjoyable. I know the Lord is gently correcting my thought process through this study. Each day a bit of excitement of comes into my heart and a ‘I can do this’ attitude comes over me. I am taking a leap of faith next week and having a few friends over for lunch and conversation. Whew – my heart just skipped a beat typing that…
I am laughing at myself as I type this, but it is because I don’t have a fancy dining room table. I have a plastic, picnic type table because I use my dining room for painting. I had a cookie exchange for my Sunday school class in December and threw a fancy table cloth over my plastic table and another over a card table. Can you imagine??? But I learned that no one cared about the tables, they were there for the cookies! : -)
I think my fears include people being bored and the food not turning out. Plus how to keep everything so it’sserved hot at the same time. Thanks to LaToya for sharing!
I’m not a great cook – simple and basic. My house is rarely spotless. But I’ve gotten over it for the most part. Jesus fed 5000 with very little. He can take care of my guests if I just open up my home.
My husband and I keep saying how we need to invite a couple friends over for dinner. But, I keeping holding back, because our carpets are worn, our furniture has seen better days, and I don’t feel that my cooking measures up to my friend’s cooking. I know these are all excuses, but that doesn’t change the fear I have of everything not being “perfect” for our guests. So, another day (week, month, etc.) goes by that we lose out on having an enjoyable time in our home with our friends.
I too am a perfectionist. I am also battling something that is holding me back with even starting the many projects I need to accomplish and I again think that it is my perfectionism. Knowing that if I start something I have to do it perfectly.
Blessings
My fear is of not measuring up to others. I could relate to almost every point made, I’m not a great cook….I don’t even like to cook that much. I’m just afraid I won’t be good enough.
I hate the way my home looks! Too many unfinished projects; it’s embarrassing.
I can totally relate. Since my husband died a few years ago, I have had several projects started on my house that are at a point they probably would have been if he were still alive. I need to add the crown molding to my den that was remodeled almost two years ago as well as thresholds in both the kitchen and bath doorways since I installed hardwood floors last summer. My deck steps need rails….I could go on. My friends have come to expect unfinished projects through the years but it still bothers me.
My husband has been after me for a long time to invite friends from work or friends from chruch ever since we’ve moved into our home about a year ago. But I too have the insecurity that it’s not decorated or remodeled right. I want to do more, but my creativity has been put on the shelf for so long that it’s taking a bit to get going again. Thanks for the encouragement!
Wow, I echo everything LaToya said. I so want everything to be perfect and hold back from inviting people because of that. I am working on this. In fact I did have 14 people over the other night and it went fairly well. I did find I had a hard time trying to talk with all of them but did touch base with each person. Afterwards when I went to bed or tried to sleep I found I was still quite wound up over it and struggled with what I could have done better. Oh the perfectionist in me. I do think for myself I prefer smaller groups as I feel I can better communicate with all.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Blessings to all.
My biggest fear relates to my home also….. Most everyone I know has beautiful, huge homes. Mine is small and cramped. Through this study, I feel this GRADUALLY changing.
Tracy, it seems like all my friends have homes that are bigger and fancier than mine! Oh, they can cook amazing foods too! I feel horrible that I have spent so much time at their homes and they have never been to mine! I will pray for you. Will you pray for me?
I share in LaToya’s fear of entertaining. I too am a perfectionist, who feels like what I have to offer is just not quite good enough. But what I am realizing is that what I really suffer from is too much pride, and worrying about what others are going to think of me or my house. I love the way she says that really all we are called to do is to love others with our hospitality. If I focus on that, I think that I will be able to overcome my pride and fear. Thanks so much LaToya!
You are very welcome Debbie
Right now my son is potty training. He greatly enjoys the absence of his diaper and removes it frequently. This is generally followed be running at full speed around the house and jumping off the furniture. Right now my fear would be this occurance whilst having guests!!
If I were your guest, I’d probably chuckle and think no more of it.
I’m with Ann, I’d chuckle too. I’ve been there with both my boys!
My fear has always been my home….praying this study will let me put that aside and start entertaining.
My fear is also not having everything perfect & with 9 children that will never happen so I need to get past that or we will never have guests over . /:
My fear is exhaustion. I like things ultra clean at my house. When company is coming that means making sure the cleaning is up to date everywhere. Then of course there is extra energy used to prepare whatever special foods that are to be served. After they leave, there is cleaning everything back up. While these extras are going on the usuals are still happening–laundry, grocery shopping, family needs, etc. I know I am seeing this all wrong. I need a lesson or two in how to enjoy my own party. As it stands, I usually skip the whole thing since I am already tired.
I do enjoy my own parties but I sure have that fear of exhaustion- I like everything ultra clean (yes, I have 3 kids and a hubby!) and so I will exhaust myself before and after the party in my quest for order/cleanliness -the end result is great but I always end up EXHAUSTED- not good . Gotta learn to relax on all the prepping..
I try to keep a tidy house so my biggest fear is that I have overlooked something and my guests think I’m not a good housekeeper. Or what I have cooked is not yummy…basically that I don’t measure up to my own expectations.
My FEAR is that NO ONE will attend, that they are not intersted, when your write RSVP and no one respond anymore, how come no one does that anymore, how rude can some people be, RSVP is not just for the people that were invited, it is a way to let the hostess know how many people to prepare for to make room for, Adults should be more respectful when someone takes the time to invite them.
Oh LaToya, I truly relate to the perfectionist downfall, if you can’t do it perfectly, then why try! I struggle with the mismatched furniture, the aging entrance, and less than perfect cleanliness. This speaks volumes to my heart. I’m too caught up in the material matters to enjoy the company and fellowship that opening my home to others would bring. You give me encouragement to begin to tone down my expectations of how I think it should be and just enjoy the people for who they are and what they mean in my life.
Thank you!
Melissa we can do it!
My fear is in the food preparation. I keep fanatsizing that I have this amazing woman preparing and serving the food (and then stay to clean up) while I sit and visit with my guests.
That is unrealistic! Chips and dip is my specialty!
I’m so glad I signed up for theses devotionals. For years I’ve felt so bad for not opening up my home especially since my husband has been involved in ministry. Now he has just been raised to youth pastor and we really need to open our home especially on spur of the moment times! So these testimonies are really encouraging me to be brave, especially LaToyas! I really related to what she shared! Thank you all so much!
My fear is boredom of my guests and what if they are unhappy with the food. I always tend to overdo the food to try to be certain that there is something for everyone. That gets pretty costly as well as wasteful…however, I tend to do it every time.
I appreciate this blog and reading everyone’s replies about hospitality. My mother never modeled this for me. In my own marriage, raising five children, I had an opportunity to host about five members of a Christian Latvian YWAM team in my home while they were in the US to minister for an Olympics. I was full of fear. People prayed for me. God said, “Do not look at your home or your children, just look at Me!” I was thrilled that He said this to me and it gave me the encouragement and confidence to love them as Jesus loved me. One member of the team still writes to us and calls us ‘dad and mom’. God will definitely help and guide us and give us all we need when we feel that we are lacking in any area. Just ask!!
Oh my how I can relate with La Toya. We live in a small bungalow with 9 people ranging from 15 to 50 something. We always feel squished, so having folks over can be intimidating to me. However, when I do allow some moments to do so, it’s always a blessing. I have to tell myself to get over it. Then I am able to really enjoy the people we have over. Sometimes it’s a bunch of teens or young adult couples, and even an occasional couple friends for my hubby and me.
And Miss Lynn– My family has been the recipient of your hospitality. Never felt squished. Always felt warm & welcomed. I especially loved visiting on your patio amidst your beautiful herbs & flowers! You are a PERFECT example of someone who opens their heart and others don’t notice the size of the home. Of course then, I never have been up in what you call the “boys barracks!” but I do know you always squeezed in my two extra boys over the weekends without much trouble. But hey, with your dozen kids, who notices 2 more!
Thanks for the encouragement.
My fear is they will be bored, we will annoy them in some way, or the food won’t turn out. I always make way too much food because I’m worried they won’t like something. It is so hard nowadays to even get someone to come over because everyone is so “busy,” so when they finally do come over, I feel like everything has to be perfect. Ugh!
My fear also has to do with cooking. In my mind, a good host should be able to present some elaborate dishes, at least that’s what I’ve been exposed to in the past. My recipies are often simple, but tasty.
Thank you La Toya- you covered the topic in a way that all of us were able to see what it is that is holding us back. You reinforced how Karen defines hospitality—— Love. I am so concerned about not being accepted or good enough, I am not giving out the Love of God which covers my imperfections. Not a perfect house, not a perfect menu, boring conversationand a noisy home. Please Lord, help me to put aside fear and put on the mantle of your Love for me and all with whom I come in contact.
My fear is the carpets I have in my house. They are “used” and I don’t mean gently! I used to rug doctor all of them several times a year, and it was back breaking work on top of children, wife and other house cleaning. I have released this fear somewhat recently and have relied more on what’s in my yard to decorate for guests. Try looking around for anything with color. Branches that are budding with blooms, even different colors of green and rosemary growing in my garden has been in a vase on my table. A candle looks pretty too. It really isn’t how perfect the interior of your house is, but rather small visual signs of an expression of love that matters:)
You are my kind of woman LaToya! My house looks almost the same as it did when I moved in 15 years ago….maybe it is time to update. My worst fear is that someone will snoop in my bathroom cabinets, so they are always clean – even when surprise guest stop by!
LaToya, thanks for sharing from your heart. I have many of the same fears. We live in a small home with lots of children! I am seeking God’s help in feeling comfortable with hospitality. It’s easier with the kids having their friends over. I feel less self conscience about our house looking “well lived in”, but I want to feel comfortable and confident being hospitable with all ages. With God all things are possible and that’s why I’m here in Karen’s study. I’m still waiting to receive Karen’s book also. This is a great study! I look the personalized touch that each of you wonderful gals have added to each new day.
My fear is simply just that people might not enjoy themselves – I sometimes fear that everyone will compare my cooking, decorating, and entertaining skills with their own or other experiences they’ve had, and I will come up woefully short. This hasn’t been my experience in real life, although we don’t entertain much at this point, but it’s a definite concern.
I’d like to entertain more, but need to stop psyching myself out with this silly fear. Hubby also isn’t super social; he enjoys when people are over for the most part, but isn’t into planning and if I ask him if he wants to entertain, he usually isn’t excited about it like I am. I think the answer might be just to clear dates with him to ensure we don’t have other things going on and just do the planning and tell him what we’re doing.
Hmmmm……well, For me, it must be the fear of regret. Hospitality is my heart. I love doing special things for people…..well, at least in my head I do. ha! I day dream about people just stopping by uninvited and answering the door with arms open and a big smile on my face:). Having a place where our teenagers friends feel comfortable enough (and want) to just stop by. But reality is much different. I’m not worried about my house, I’m more worried about being exhausted. That seems so silly to say. But, I have 4 kids (4-14), I homeschool and work 3 nights a week. As much as I want my home to be filled with friends and hospitality, I always feel like I should reserve my free time for down time…..hence the regret.
My greatest fear is that people will think my family and I are slobs, but more than that, that it will be a direct reflection of me, my housekeeping abilities, and my worth as a parent/wife. I feel there is a double-standard in today’s society. It doesn’t matter that in general I pick up after myself, keep my bedroom clean, can’t stand it when kitchens or bathrooms are dirty, etc. Yet, I live in a house with five other people who, let’s face it, don’t have a clean house as their top priority. What might take me all weekend to clean can be undone by all of them in five minutes flat. So, when people come over, I don’t fear that they will say, “Wow! Those kids are messy!” No, my greatest fear is that they will say, “Oh my! She sure doesn’t know how to keep a clean house!” It may seem silly, but I think especially now that I have gone back to work full-time and many, many housekeeping items are slipping, I have to wonder why does it all fall on ME? Why isn’t my family also responsible for the upkeep of the home? Maybe I’m just imagining it all, but it seems as if it’s a direct reflection on me, although these days I am the one spending the least amount of time in the house???
Oh, I can so relate to this! But then I feel conflicted, as it doesn’t seem I’m loving my family if I get annoyed by what they don’t do. Of course, I need to train my children, but what about my hubby?
Kathy, I too struggle with this daily. After spending all day and 1/2 the night cleaning, my kid brings in teen friends that have no respect for someone else’s home and never pick up after themselves. We always have kids there (invited and uninvited, I might say). It seems our home is the dropping ground for everyone and I get so annoyed. I can’t clean up with a house full. I’m very embarrassed to invite my friends and co-workers to visit. And secondly, we have dogs in the house and I’ve heard people say over and over they “just don’t understand how people can have a dog in the house….can they not smell?” “or I can’t stand to go in someone’s house and sit down where the dog lies”. Therefore, my hospitality has been only for teens (who don’t care where they sit, what they eat or what may sleep on top of them!”
I worry about enough.. Is mt house nice enough, the food tasty enough, is everything clean enough…. Ugh- its tiring!!!
My biggest reason for not having more people into my home is keeping it clean enough. Your posts are making me more aware that I need to just open my home up to friends and family and make them feel welcome anytime and stop stessing about my home not being clean enough
My fear is that what feels comfortable and happy as a home may not be good enough for others. They may feel it is too many toys, some dust I may have missed or just not decorated the way company would like. I dont like the last minute “Extra Cleaning Stress” that goes along with feeling like I need to go above and beyond for company. I need to learn to accept that my Home makes us Happy as a Family and it should do the same for our company.
I can totally relate to being fearful. The people we are trying to be hospitable to are much older than us and know how to cook REALLY good! So I’m so fearfully my food just doesn’t hit the mark. Is it too dry? uncooked? too much of this? etc. And then the fear of is the house “clean” enough. NOT just picked up with toys and clutter but the floors cleaned or baseboards clean etc. But….I’m learning and growing in this area and along the way my cooking and cleaning skills are getting better too!
I was homeless at one time in my life……….. but GOD saw me thru that time in my life!!! I now have a very nice apartment, but it practically still( been here for 2 years ) empty!!! I am on a fixed income so I dont have extra money to try to fix it up the way I want !!! So embarresment is a big fear of mine!!! But I am joyful at the fact that my abode is hungry for GODs presence at all times….and when GOD wants me to get stuff, he will make a way !!! Thanks for letting me share….GOD bless!!!!
things that i fear when it comes to hospitality alot has to do with being a perfectionest so afaraid things aren’t right not clean enough not enough food not good enough spilling the floor kids reacting not a good host
Thank you all for sharing. My fear is that since I prefer to be alone because I’m not a social butterfly. I feel very awkward just talking to people. and knowing what to say. My family moved often and did not socialize often. Opening up my home to others is very difficult. I recently went through a divorce and the grandchildren that I was caring for are transitioning back to their mom. We have new daycare provider and her daughters and my granddaughter have wanted to stay over at each others homes. I put it off for but finally said yes and it was okay. Maybe I’m to start with children. I will soon be alone with my dog as my only company. If it were dogs I would be entertaining I’d feel comfortable…lol. I have asked the Lord to help me keep my home and to use it for His glory. I’m afraid He has quite a job cut out for Him but I know He can work miracles. I’m waiting for my miracle. I used to enjoy going to home fellowships at other folks homes. I would love one in my home.
I never feel like I have a “nice enough” home. I know it is my perception and not others. Our house is not finished since we have built it for the most part ourselves and once a project gets “liveable” we tend to stop working on it. My cousin once told me as long as you make people feel welcome they won’t notice what your house looks like. I believe this is true as in the past few months I have been trying to be more hospitable and more relaxed when my husband unexpectedly invites someone in for a visit. Hopefully if I don’t act like I am in a panic others won’t critique my home and when they leave they will leave with a wonderful warm feeling. My mom was a very hospitable woman. We had company alot, expected and unexpected, and our house was far from perfect. But people who would be close by visiting always called to see if they could drop in and I believe it was because my mom made them feel special and not at all an inconvenience. I hopefully will be more that way by the end of these next few weeks.
My fear is that my home will be boring and the conversation not exciting enough…
I needed to heart this. I am the type of person who thinks everything has to be perfect. The house spotless and a delicious meal. I worry too much about what my guests will say and instead of getting to know them.
Reading some of these comments makes me sad. I pray that the Lord changes our hearts because PEOPLE are more important than our insecurities!! I always feel so special to be invited somewhere, and I want to make someone feel special, too! Though I’m just as guilty, ladies…I was recently reminding my husband of our “people-over-once-a-month” goal. We’re a month behind already! *sigh* I was telling him I wish it weren’t so hard. I’d rather provide a meal for someone than have them in our home because it’s easier! But sadly, then we’d miss out on sweet fellowship. And wouldn’t we all agree that you get to know someone better when you’re in their home?? I’m inspired. I really want to do better!
My biggest fear is that the food I make will not turn out. I lack confidence in my cooking skills. I cook all the time, but since I try new recipes each week some turn out and some do not. For some reason I had a streak of my baking gone bad. I would have company or would make something for church or a funeral or a neighbor and every time something would go wrong! So the main fear is my meal being a disaster.
My goodness I so feel the same way La Toya does…I am tired just sitting here typing this. My mom also never taught me how to cook…what I do know has come from my hubby teaching me (I must have learned something as he has put on 100+ pounds in our 20 years of marriage). I am afraid that my food will not be good enough for others to enjoy. I am such a simple person and don’t know how to make fancy stuff. I also have an older house with many unfinished projects or things that just simply need to be fixed so I am also embarassed by the condition. I pray that one day I will be able to just let go and let people see my house and me for me….simple me. I am so loving this study and by the end I am going to hold a party/get together….and let God take over.
Be blessed because you are a blessing to someone this day!
Smiles & Blessings Abound,
Robin
I am such a perfectionist. If I can’t do it the best I don’t want to do it. But oh how God has been working on that in me…. with things I am just NOT the best at but I HAVE to do.
I always love the preparation, cooking, and presentation of a meal to my guests. My biggest fear pertains to the conversation, or potential lack of interesting conversation.
I was not raised with the custom of hospitality. We sometimes had some family, but more often went somewhere else. In our social group, someone seems to speak up before I can, to offer their place. When we do have the group, I feel my home is too small, there’s not enough parking, I don’t seem to feel comfortable with the hostess duties…I either hover too much, or make it too casual, leaving everyone to help themself. It just doesen’t seem to “fit” me….therefore I fear inviting folks cause I fear the “not available” answer…it feels like a personal rejection.
My fear is that my food won’t taste good to my guests. I know I just need to keep it simple though. Thanks for sharing LaToya!!
Sue sometimes simple is better!
As I get older, I feel more comfortable having my friends over. None of us will have our homes in “House Beautiful” but we have known each other for 40 yrs and more, so are more like sisters & enjoy having coffee and fruit or dessert together–maybe only 2 of us at a time, sometimes more. And we have so much history behind us that conversation flows easily about our kids, grandkids, gardens, cooking, politics, church–even thought we attend different ones, and we just enjoy being together. Some of use to apologize for “my dirty house” but at our ages we are just glad we have a house and each other for company!! Guess that’s a perk of getting older.
whoops, in my above post, I left out one word in the last sentence: Some of “us” used to………..
We attend a church where the majority of the congregation live in a “well off” city, nice homes, nice cars, fancy decor, etc. My husband (one of the pastors on staff) and I live in a lower income area, have two used vehicles and I’m just learning how to make some decorations. It can be intimidating! Something I am slowly getting over is… “things” don’t matter. I used to fear that someone would see my dirty kitchen floor, or unpainted hallway, or even our sparse little yard and think we were gross. Sounds so silly! But, it’s true. Fear of someone thinking my home or my “things” weren’t enough was just about enough to suffocate me. Praise God He has given me victory and changed my heart in this area. Still learning…but, it’s getting better!
My fear is similar to LeToya’s — I want everything to be perfect and then avoid it because everything isn’t just so. not good! I was very hospitable before I had children but with children that “perfectionism” thing is much more difficult and I am finding it is difficult for me. However, I am slowly getting back into it!
The two biggest issues is cleaning the house and containing the kids’ stuff and the anxiety over my children’s behavior. It starts with them hiding for awhile, then show & tell with the oddest possessions, then depending on the age and tolerance of the visitor(s)—-well, wrestling matches have happened. And if other kids are part of the visit, tattling, complaining, no sharing, crying, teasing, fighting.
Yes Nikki I worry about how my children will {mis}behave when people are over too!
I’ve been a guest in homes that are much messier and more cluttered than mine. I’ve been in homes that are spotless and perfect looking. I can’t say I’m most comfortable in either. I prefer the middle ground. Because we have young kids, my friends and I have made a pact to not look at the mess or the dirt when we visit each other. Real friends don’t judge each other (or at least they shouldn’t). Walking though those perfectly spotless homes and being uncomfortable there has given me the freedom to enjoy guests in my own home that is less than perfect. What I hope my home becomes is a place where my kids want to hang out with their friends. I’d rather have them here than elsewhere. I don’t think kids enjoy being in “perfect” homes anyway. A decent level of cleanliness and tidiness will do. Giving myself permission to enjoy living in my less than perfect home is quite liberating.
When it comes to hospitality, my fear is not having a home “good enough” to have people in. I can cook, I can make people feel loved and welcomed but I fear my home doesn’t stack up.
I’ve been trying to figure out exactly what it is that I am so afraid of- what holds me back from picking up the phone and inviting others over to fellowship. Yes, I am a perfectionist! So, that does get in the way. I do want everything to be just right. I am not a bad cook, but definitely not the best cook, and our home, though nice, is in great need of flooring replacement and wall painting! I am also an introvert, and social settings are draining for me! I often feel exhausted already, and the thought of planning, cleaning, shopping, cooking, preparing, being social, etc. is overwhelming! However, I think I’ve decided that my biggest problem is lack of faith and trust in the Lord in this matter. If I ask Him who needs some encouragement and love, and He places a name on my heart, would He not provide the plans, the finances, the time and the energy for me to serve this one or family in need of the blessing?? I know He would, but unfortunately, I have failed to ask and then trust! Thus both that person in need and myself are missing out on a blessing of fellowship! I know I need to trust Him more. I first need to pray and listen and then rest in the fact that He will help me work out all the details with joy and peace.
I am always afraid my house won’t be clean enough. I also fear that my house is not big enough.
My biggest fear in hospitality is not being able to converse well with my guests. Im just not a big conversationalist and I don’t think I’m good at getting people to open up or respond. It use to be a perfect home and perfect food, but I’ve overcome those fears and learned to relax. Thanks LaToya for opening up! Fear has been a big factor in my reluctance to show hospitality.
My constant fear is that whatever I’ve prepared for the meal won’t be good. In fact, my favorite guests are a bus load of teens. They’ll eat anything.
Wow, I thought I was the only one! Those are my fears, in the same order! I am surrounded by friends with beautifully decorated homes, and then I feel like a wretch for basically coveting what they have in that area. My husband does the cooking around here; the extent I go to is cooking taco meat and serving tacos, maybe a crockpot dish and that’s about it. (I actually baked my first bday cake, ever – from a box, this year for my 4yr old More guilt – that I hadn’t done it in the past. Feel good that I did it though. I threw a bday party and obsessed and had anxiety over every possible detail, including silly dollar store goodie bag contents. I think most of this stems from a history with depression and anxiety…it really does affect every area of your life. I am starting to see some light, however, and have made small steps toward having friends over without having to detail my entire home first!! I figure baby steps, one day at a time.
I guess that I expect my house to look nice and it seems that it is always under construction or redo. I prefer to be outside with company, but they might need the bathroom- oh then they would be in the house. I’m doing better since, my boys are inviting friends over frequently. I do have a few people that just like to hang out here on occassion and I don’t have a problem with that. Now these are people that have known me since youth and are really just extended family members. But as I read the book, I relized that I do extend hospitality on the road often and in the little things.
my fear is simply not being perfect. the house- is it clean enough? the food- is there enough? is it good? the people- will they have fun? will they enjoy themselves? are they criticing me? before get togethers i get hypertense. thankfully my husband has learned this little secret about me because he has stopped taking things personally right before get togethers. and most importantly he has stopped telling me to not stress, to calm down and has started to ask me, “what can i do to help you?”
My fear is that no one will show up if I plan a party. I usually just stick to inviting people over one at a time to avoid the feeling of going out of my way and no one coming. I am stepping out of that though.
My greatest entertaining fear is I won’t measure up-I am not sure who I am anxious about but I fear criticism.
My fear is what people are going to think of my home. I’m afraid they will think its too messy, not clean enough or too cluttered. I spend a lot of time cleaning and straightening!
That my house is not clean enough!
unfortunately, I want it all to be perfect which it NEVER is . . . shame on me!
I guess my biggest fear is that people will see that my house is such a mess! With 2 small children, it seems there are always toys on the floor, laundry that needs to be folded on the couch, and dishes in the sink!
My fear is just about me. Will they like me? Will they like being around me? Will the conversation flow? Will they feel at ease around me? Will they have a good time? Will we become friends?
My biggest fear is what to talk about.
Would it be possible to expend more effort to edit this piece? There are multiple errors which makes reading it quite difficult.
Are you serious? How rude.
The mistakes have been taken care of!
I love for people to come over to our home. I do however start to worry that my house isn’t clean enough, the guest won’t like the food or maybe they don’t really like me but feel obligated to come over. If it is someone that I don’t know really well, I worry about what to talk about and will they enjoy their time with us. My husband is always telling me not to worry about those things, just be who I am and show our our guest love. Thank you LaToya for sharing with us. Going to go take a visit to your site now.
Relatively new to this community – Criticism – the house doesn’t look like I’ll ever get it decorated – stuff still in boxes etc. Having trouble finding/deciding what/how I want to decorate. Doesn’t look finished.
My fear is my house not being good enough. Growing up my house was a work in progress that never got done. I had a sleepover in 7th grade and I had parents not sure they wanted their daughters there for safety issues. After having to convince a parent and the party was over, I never invited anyone over again till I was 18. Then my boyfriend weaseled his way into the house. After I went to college, I had my 2 close roommates and my now husband over to our run down house. That is where my fear comes from. But my husband and I own our work in progress farmhouse that is very livable and big. I fear that people will judge me and find me lacking for cleanliness, cooking skill, decorating, etc. I’m trying to overcome my fears by hosting a weekly Bible Study with 4 girls my age who are getting married and don’t have kids yet. God isn’t done with me yet!
You know what? I don’t care what my friend’s homes look like…and I’m just happy to be with the people I love…but when the roles are reversed, I’m always a little worried that they’ll find something not to like in my home. I don’t worry about this all the time, but once in awhile that worry rears its ugly head
Thanks for sharing today 
Love and hugs from the ocean shores of California, Heather 
My fear is definitely cooking. I’m NOT a good cook, and more often than not my food does not come out as well as I would have wished. I know so many great cooks, it feels silly for them to come and eat my less than par cooking!
My fear is that the conversation will stagnate and they will not have a good time.
I am a perfectionist too, but I’m not really a people person and I struggle to make my guests comfortable with conversation. I would rather prepare the evening for someone else and stay in the kitchen!
My biggest fear is the food not being good enough when I have people over.
I can so relate to this post and many comments. My fears are my house….lack of decorating, unfinished projects, worn carpets, dust bunnies; my cooking (people may not like the food, poor timing); my lack of social graces; being judged…basically perfectionism & my ugly pride.
My biggest fear has to do with my animals. I have three dogs all males who sometimes have accidents and I am constantly cleaning these up! I would be afraid someone would smell it! I love my doggies but they can be a handful sometimes.
My fear comes from inviting a group to my home (to form a prayer/study group) – and no one shows up. I do not want to try that again.
This completely spoke to my heart-I have used all of these excuses often.my fear is that if I am not willing to be hospitable with what I have now, I will find excuses when I have a hect.ouse and nicer dishes,
LaToya said it best, especially about the decorating. We’ve been in our house six months and the only thing on the walls is something we bought after we moved in. The rest of our decor is still in boxes.
You’ve got something on the walls, so you’re one step ahead of me. The only thing on my walls are my boys’ handprints, LOL!
My fear is that I won’t have the meal ready and the table set in time! I want to spend time with my company, and hopefully feel relaxed, rather than bustling around!
I guess I am afraid to invite people that i don’t know very well. I have few good friends where we live now and I’m afraid of branching out and trying to invite new people. I’m also a perfectionist and would lose all of the fun in worrying about impressing new people so they will like me.
My fear used to be that my house was not good enough. We are often a remodel in progress. Now I usually can let that go, but sometimes fear the uncertainty of my husband’s moods. He may say we should invite someone, but not be there when they arrive or ignore them.
My fear is when I know a relative is coming and I have not put up their Christmas gift somewhere in the house on wall! Every time she comes, she asks, “Where is it?”
My fear is never living up to other’s expectations. When I visit other friend’s parties, they always seem to have it together. All the drinks, appetizers, room setting….everything is perfect. Spot on. I wouldn’t have enough room to fit all the guests I would like to invite. We have a small house with just enough space for one other family. I just feel like my party would be a joke and no one would ever want to come back.
My husband used to smoke in our house and so there tends to be a stale smell when we walk in and so I try and burn candles when I know people at coming, but if someone drops by sometimes I don’t have the candles burning, so I am embarassed.
Better, but still some errors! Review it again and you’ll find them. You really need a professional editor. Perhaps a good Christian woman who has an English degree would agree to assist?
My biggest fear is the clutter.
I do have something encouraging to say to the ladies who are worried about having smaller or older homes, though: Some of my fondest memories are of times spent at the home of a friend who did not have much financially. Sometimes she even lived in her father-in-law’s unfinished basement. What made it great was her positive attitude. She gave her home a happy atmosphere, and she always made you feel like she was happy to be spending time with you–even if she was feeding you pb & j and oreos. Space, decor, gourmet food — none of that mattered. I could relax and be myself. She had a very “welcoming” way!
Who will make the coffee if my husband isn’t there? How embarrassing that I still don’t know how to make a “good” pot of coffee.
I had that problem, too. when I didn’t drink coffee!! I just put out all the stuff and said, “I don’t know how because I don’t drink it! Would you mind?” Noone ever had a problem with that request.
i feel the same way you did and do. i am a single mom of 4 young men and going back to school and i have always felt like i have nothing to offer and my house is always a like a cyclone has hit. i love to cook and i compliment myself by saying i must be doing something right whereas my kids are still alive and healthy. lol. i have to rely God’s Word everyday and read my devotionals whereas i have a mustard seed of Faith. your story gives me a peace of mind whereas i thought i was alone in this. thanks so much for sharing.
My BIGGEST fear is my home and the clutter that comes along with having lots of children around. I have a total of 8 children (all boys). My 21 year old no longer lives at home but that still leaves 9 people to share the house with (husband included). There is always some type of mess around or toy to step on etc. Oh and I can’t forget our dog who loves to plop in the middle of the floor and act like she’s a part of the carpet! Needless to say, my days are filled with endless clean-up!
My fear is that someone is going to figure out I’m not a natural at cooking or hosting.
Oh girls, I really like having people come over, but for some reason something always happens and our home is less than ready. We have three small children, ages four and under, and it’ can be a bit of a challenge to have a toy uncluttered house. I get nervous when people are coming over. I want to be a good hostess. I thank God that there are women in my life that are so gracious. They help clean up when I’m not looking. It is out of love that they do. I pray that God will strengthen me in this area. Yes my walls are bare, there is no wreath or sign that says welcome. I totally can relate to this post!
All of the above!
Whenever I go to a friend’s house, it is always put together and the food/coffee is wonderful. I don’t drink coffee, and my design tastes are completely different from others. I feel that my house is not clean enough, not decorated enough, not good enough, and when people come in they will immediately judge it and smugly realize that their house is much better. And I can’t make coffee!!!
I deal both with the fear of not being a perfect hostess as well as social anxiety. I always feel like I won’t say the right thing or that there will be long awkward silences.. Thanks for the encouraging words!
Fears? Empty space…people sitting and no one talking…nothing to do… I get so nervous trying to “serve” that i find it hard to relax sometimes.
My fear is that the conversation will not flow especially when you entertain those you do not know well.
My biggest fear is that my guests will be unhappy.
My house is always a wreck! I have 4 kids and we have stuff everywhere! Working full time, I dont’ have the time to clean up like I should to have guest over.
Fear factor is right. So many comments are my issues, too. I realize the changes I need to make including focusing on my guests and not me.
I can really identify with the comments today. I am very thankful for my house but it is up ‘alot’ of steps AND I worry about people not being able to climb the steps to get in. We love the house, once you get in it
We are praying to be able to sell it sooner than later, since we aren’t getting any younger. Other t han that issue, I wouuld love to be able to entertain. I keep saying, …WHEN we get another house, I’ll entertain! There may not be that day…it isn’t promised. I pray to make the most of my NOWs. Thank you!
what people think of my home
I always felt ashamed or embarrassed by my house. I always had hand me down furniture that always had stains or rips that I coverd with sheets, but as I have gotten older I have come to realize that it’s not about those things! I love having people over even though some of us might have to sit on the floor or snuggle up closer on the couch! We are our worst enemy when it comes to hospitality. I think of my house as God’s house and everyone is welcome!
Even though I work extra hard to make sure it is, I always fear my house will not be clean enough or my food will taste good enough.
I want my house to be spotless when I have company over so it has kept me from inviting people over that often. With 4 kids and being a homeschool mom I know my house is not going to be spotless. I need to learn to not let it bother me and invite people over anyway.
My fear of what people will think of me keeps me from opening my home up as much as I should. I also am a perfectionist which makes it very hard. I grew up with a mom that spring cleaned twice a year and even cleaned the attic and basement out. If I can’t keep up with my home like she does (which in my mind was perfect) I think why bother?.
I am often intimidated by “what will we talk about?” This especially happens, if the individual or couple coming over is someone we are just getting to know. I worry about if everyone will feel comfortable.
I do a lot of entertaining, but have gone through times of fear, mainly with the condition of my house, carpets etc… I would agonize before my mother-in-law would come for a visit because we didn’t have an adequate quest room for her to stay in. She would have to sleep on a bunk bed futon in a messy “guest” room, “office” and “play” room. A week before she would come I would start decluttering this room, trying my best to make it more suitable. Now God has blessed us with a 5 bedroom home! God is good!
My fear is if someone comes who is a Martha Stewart type.
My biggest fear is everything… I find everything equally stressful… lol. Will the food be good enough? What will we talk about? Will I say the wrong thing? Is the house clean enough? … etc.
My biggest fear is what if they dont enjoy themselves….
Geting my home in order has been my biggest fear/hurdle. I am working on getting rid of clutter. In the past I would have to work like crazy to clear off my dining room table–the place that mail, magazines, and more seemed to breed. It would be frustrating/overwhelming. Now I am determined to deal with this problem and stay on top of it. This way I can enjoy my guest.
My fear is being negatively judged b/c my home is outdated. We are fixing it up, room by room, but I am self-conscious about being judged based on it’s current condition.
My biggest fears are that my house will be too messy and everyone will talk about how bad of a housekeeper I am or that I will not have enough food.
My fear is an unperfect house that doesn’t quite measure up to what I picture it should be in my mind! I know it won’t matter if guests comeover and see toys in the floor or that I have dusted or that there aren’t enough pictures on the wall – I am working hard to get over this and just enjoy the company!
like Latoya, it’s about not having a nice enough house! our furniture is old and it’s quite obvious that 3 small children have their way with our home!
I work out of my home so often my living room is very messy even when its clean.. (ie.e there are boxes of product and packing materials) I worry that people will think poorly of me.
My fear is did I prepare enough food and something that everyone will eat.
I live in an old trailer that needs ALOT of repairs. I am afraid of what people will say when they see my home. I love our home. It has brightly colored walls, but carpet is extremely old and stained, base boards need new paint…just a long list of repairs. I know it is a pride thing. I am working toward remembering people are not there to see my house, but the family who lives in the house!
With a young child, I find that I”m so distracted at times to keep a good conversation going! This is especially true when I don’t know the person well.
My fear is not being a “social” person I don’t know how to carry a conversation and fear we won’t know what to say. Generally isn’t an issue when we do actually have people but it is intimidating.
I can so rrelate! Even when my house is decorated I still tend to think it’s not as nicely deocrated as someone elses. I had one friend that would invite me over to Sunday dinner with his three boys and even though their house was definitely a batchelor’s home and the meals were very simple I always felt loved and cared for. We actually got married and now
I am trying to apply that to our new found friends in the town we moved to a few years ago. I really struggle but am making great strides with God’s help and I am even learning to cook with some recipes that I’ve had for years but was always afraid to try!
This past year has been a rough one for our family. So to deal with it, I’ve focused on my family and my priorities, and cleaning my house is not even close to the top of my list. I’d love to have people over, but if they see how much I’ve let things go they’ll know how rough things have been, or just think I’m a really bad housekeeper. And since my husband is a minister, I feel I have a certain “image” to uphold.
My is cleaning. My family members are neat freaks and my husbands are the exact opposite. We meet in the middle as certain rooms need to be CLEAN (bathrooms, kitchen and our living room) the others not as much attention. This leads me to stress and panic the day before/day of. I have not mastered the art of breaking things into pieces when it comes to cleaning, as I came from a Mom who cleaned just about top to bottom every other day.
My fear when it comes to hospitality stems from my house being small and one of my friends pointing that out to me. Actually I don’t care as much about it now because it is plenty of house for my family of 4. Just because I have a friend that has a 1st floor bigger than my entire house and she also has a basement and a 2nd floor doesn’t mean that my house is bad. My 2 children have their own bedrooms and they are plenty big for a bed, a bookshelf and some toys. A bigger house just means a lot more to clean and who wants to spend all of their free time doing that?
My biggest fear is perfection, and neither my home or me is perfect, but I am learning that only God is perfect which is helping me overcome my perfection issues.
Fear is a definite issue for me. I hesitate to have others over until the house is remodeled and finished.
Thanks you for sharing this message. My house sounds exactly like you described.
My fears are that my house is not big enough, clean enough, nothing to do, the food won’t turn out and most people are too polite to say anything. I could go on and on. Hopefully by the end of this study some of that will start to change.
My biggest fear is that someone will think less of me because my house is a mess or my bathroom is not clean. If I don’t have someone over then I don’t have to fear what someone will think. Funny thing is I don’t mind my kids friends coming over because I don’t think they look at the house like an adult would.
I worry that my house isn’t clean enough.
My friends’ homes are all so nice, and ours is so very lived in!!
I hate to sound repetetive but perfection is my problem too. My house is far from perfect but I want my guests to have a perfect experience when they come over.
My biggest entertaining frustration is that just as soon as I get the house cleaned up for guests I get it messed up again waiting for the guests to get here. After getting a bath there are a whole new batch of dirty clothes to try to hide…Cooking messes up the kitchen…and on and on….
Fear – My house is always dirty! I honestly hate to clean – LOVE LOVE LOVE a clean house, but would rather do laundry, pay bills, cook, bake, even do taxes rather than clean. I honestly don’t know what causes this block, but I just can’t make myself clean house. Thus I don’t want to have anyone over because my floors are dirty. Doesn’t help that I have an aunt that loves to travel around the country visiting all my aunts, uncles, cousins etc and tells me about each of their homes and their housekeeping. Which means she is telling them about mine! YIPES!
I am decluttering – but I am constantly decluttering as my husband loves junque – he brings it in the back door and I scoot it out the front in boxes for charity collection trucks.
Our home is not the cleanest – clutter is my enemy and there are quite a few home improvements that need to be made. Unfortunately, money is quite tight and we just are having to make do. I fear being rejected or critized for the condition of my home. It is a silly fear because when I have friends over, we usually have a good time and well, they are still my friends. My active imagination causes so much uneccessary fear in my life. If I could find a way to use that active imagination in a positive way….that is my prayer.
That old perfectionism can rear it’s ugly head and keep us from being used by the Lord. I would much rather visit with a friend in her house as it normally is. That means I’m in her ‘in crowd’. It makes me uncomfortable to think someone slaved away for hours/days before I came!
My biggest fear is that my home doesn’t ‘measure-up’. it is not a decorator’s dream, the carpet is clean, but getting worn, it isn’t as big as some of my friend’s home and the yard is never picture perfect…..we live in the country. I love to cook…taught by my dad and must say I am a good cook. I guess I just feel a sense of rejection of what “I don’t have” before the meal is even served.
I used to worry about what guests would think of me if they came to my house and it was cluttered and dusty. One day I had a revelation…my house looks like we live there! I have slowly been lessening my grip on the need for my house to look perfect. I find a lot of times, some of the items that are left laying out spark conversation! When it’s necessary, I just shove everything into the laundry room and nobody knows the difference!
My fear used to be that my home would not measure up in being perfect and that my meal would not be perfect, but as I have gotten “more mature” I just want to enjoy my company and serve them as my guests.
I think it is the fear of people judging me by my old house, old furniture, etc.
My fears used to be all of the above until
I finally realized people felt more comfortable
when my house was a little messy, when my kids
weren’t acting perfect and I hadn’t quite
pulled it all together yet. I had done prep
work to where they felt welcomed, but it isn’t
perfect. Then I had people start saying they
felt like they were at home. That is when my
fears subsided.
The fear of failure. My home isn’t nice enough, the food isn’t tasty enough, etc.
I can identify with the no decorating thing. . . that is just so NOT my thing! I can keep my house clean, but i feel like it doesn’t have any personal touches. The only decorating that happens is what my husband picks out!
My biggest fear is having the house put together and organized. I often feel like I should have done more, etc.
I too am a perfectionist when it comes to my home/cooking etc…. I would rather have NO one over than have to show them my imperfections. Wow, I am reminded that my pride is HUGE in saying that…. I will be working on that for certain!!
My fear is the little socks and shoes that are consistently covering my floors!!
Oh why do five children have to have so many shoes?
My fears are keeping all the details in order. I get nervous and am not very organized. I always end up forgetting to put something on the table or forgetting to do something and honestly worry about other’s impressions which is something I need to get over.
I am always fearful that people will look at my house as plain. I do not have many decorations in my home just because with my three young children I do not have much time to shop for my home.
Used to be the house not being clean enough, now it’s a yard mostly torn up. I just close the curtains.
We are renters and have GREEN carpet. For a long time I would make a joke or a comment about how we rent and I would never have chosen green carpet. Now I don’t mention the carpet, I just say, “this is home!”…my attutude about it has made a huge difference.
I worry about my home not being clean enough or that the food may not meet expectations.
I’m always afraid my home, cooking, hostessing skills (or lack thereof), etc. will be judged. And I am very aware those fears take away from my enjoyment and maybe some of the enjoyment of my guests. But I can’t get those thoughts out of my head!
One of my fears is about our decore and cleanliness. Like laToya, I am no decorator and our house looks like a college dorm!!! Seriously! We have minimal furniture and it’s all on the cheap side (our couch is futon). We moved into our home 2 years ago and I haven’t done much decorating. We still have the curtains up that the previous owners left behind. And, we don’t wear shoes in our house, but I don’t know that our floors are really clean enough for people to go barefoot! I’m horrified at someone going home and finding that their white socks are full of dirt after walking around on our floors without shoes on.
I fear that guests will want to “tour the house” Crazy, I know. If I just kept my house up to par all the time it wouldn’t matter, but I am a busy Mom who works 50 hours outside the home each week. My focus when cleaning tends to be the main living space and kitchen. The spare rooms are neglected. Maybe I should just put up some caution tape and they wouldn’t ask? lol, yeah.. I should probably just make time to keep those areas clean too!